you are who you are
And the question is… who are you?
Ever since my ADHD diagnoses I’ve had issues with driving. It’s not like I’m running down people but I do find myself thinking “Oh my god, there’s so much going on.” I’m thinking that it partly has to do with the fact that I no longer drive as often as I used to in Canada. When I commute, I don’t have the same “guard” on my surroundings as I do when I’m driving. At the same time, I’ve also lived without a car when I was living on my own in Toronto.
It makes me wonder if getting my diagnoses has in some ways put up unnecessary mental road blocks which give me unnecessary anxiety.
To have a “condition”, there are certain things that get “excused”. If I get distracted, it turns into something bigger than just me getting distracted. It turns into a “I can’t help it because I have ADHD” situation and the moment of distraction gets excused. If I didn’t have this diagnoses, then it just means I wasn’t focusing and I should get my shit together.
It also influences how I think of myself. I’m pretty sure that I get anxious from driving because in my mind, I’m thinking, “I better be on guard in case ADHD-Wendy gets a hold of the helm and steer us into a tree.” Reality is, ADHD-Wendy has always been a part of me and up till when I got my diagnoses, I just dealt with distractions by telling myself to get my shit together.
While it’s great that I got help to deal with school from this diagnoses, I’m not too sure about the effects of it on other aspects of my life. Sure, it “explains” why I behave a certain way but it also takes the control out of my hands. In some ways, being diagnosed with ADHD has taken some self control out of my hands by handing me an excuse. “Don’t blame me, it was ADHD-Wendy.” I’m not sure I’m all too fond of that.