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mania

Friday. 10. 17. 2008.

The first time hearing that I may be bipolar, I remember thinking, what a load of shit. Perhaps this was fuelled by my ex-boyfriend’s disbelief in me seeing a psychiatrist. But the idea that my “happy hyper” self could be something wrong was somewhat injuring.

Sometimes you don’t see the reality of things until you look back on it. I would’ve never figured out that I was interested in women until I examined my own feelings towards a middle school friend. Now I understand that I was secretly falling in love with her.

Looking back on certain events of my life, mania is a fitting description. From my hyperactivity in middle school to my late night room rearranging. Sometimes I’d rearrange my room 3-4 times in a week.

I consider Mania more of a “technical” term, a word best left in the medical books and pharmaceutical brochures. I call it nice. I will admit that it may not always turn out positively. Sometimes my actions in a manic moment result in disaster and/or even throw me spiralling into a depressive state. But it has also resulted in some wonderful experiences and things. Fredrik is a product of a manic moment.

I saw a BBC documentary on bipolar disorders, hosted by Stephan Fry. At the end of the documentary, he asked, “If there was a way to make it the bipolar disorder away, would you?”

Not in a million years. Being bipolar is a billion times more fun than being normal. I would not be who I am if I had not been this way. Fredrik would’ve never been part of my life. It may be a difficulty at times and I may think that I want it to go away but it’s a part of me.

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