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waiting

Thursday. 10. 16. 2008.

I didn’t take my Effexor today. So far so good. No headache and my back is no longer aching from being tense all the time. My head is not as clear as it was yesterday and no sudden bursts of happiness but I’m also not feeling miserable from the muscle tension and jaw clenching.

My doctor is supposed to give me a call tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll get a different med or some explanation about all the side effects.

I’m still conflicted by the whole medication thing. On one hand it’s nice to be clear headed. On the other hand I don’t want to be taking this stuff for the rest of my life.

I may be bipolar but it’s not a completely bad thing. Unlike some of the other people suffering from bipolar disorder, I like my mania. Sometimes I feel so happy I feel like I can burst.

I understand that without sadness/sorrow then happiness would not exist but when I get sad, it’s not just “boohoo… I’m sad”. It’s more like every time I’m waiting at the subway platform, I’m gathering the courage and weighing the pros and cons of jumping in front of the oncoming subway. It’s not just some random thought either, it happens every time for weeks at a time.

The medication gives me a break, like a door way out of a crowded room.

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